Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Saints...are Coming!!!!

Overjoyed Saints Fans Tear Roof Off Reopened Superdome

January 14,2007 - The Local Paper

NEW ORLEANS—Over 70,000 elated New Orleans Saints fans celebrated the first playoff win to take place in the newly renovated Superdoom since Hurricane Katrina this Saturday night by joyously rushing from their seats onto the field, ripping down the goal posts, destroying the playing surface, and trampling three people to death after the Saints' 24-27 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.

"This city is back!" said Marcus Hammond, one of 5,000 Saints fans who rushed from the French Quarter to seek refuge in the Superdoom's reopening. Early reports indicate that as news of the victory spread, the excited citizens steadily breached the dome's walls throughout the night, creating a chaotic and devastating environment of celebration.

"This was something all of us needed," said resident Sean Montrell, who joined several thousand fans in overturning trashcans and setting them on fire inside the dome. "Now, maybe Americans will finally pay attention to what is going on here in New Orleans."

"Go Saints!" Montrell added before beating and urinating on the man standing next to him.

Long after the game ended, the jubilant, hungry fans showed no signs of stopping the festivities, finding themselves stealing food and alcohol from stadium venders who were bludgeoned with any metal object that could be extracted from the dome's infrastructure. In addition, fans were too busy rioting to notice that the loss of electricity and the absence of air-conditioning had created oppressive conditions with temperatures easily exceeding 100 degrees.

"When it got dark, that was the most fun," said sweaty, blood-drenched Beatrice Sheehy, who last saw her two children being escorted away by an unknown man she described as "some guy." "I really think the Saints could go all the way this year."

"Go, Reggie Bush!" she added, moments before purchasing heroin from an unidentified man and then shooting it up on the 50-yard line.

Although all participants described the mood as one of joy and relief, conditions in the dome continued to deteriorate as the plumbing broke down and the newly refurbished bathrooms began to completely overflow with fecal matter. The deluge of waste eventually flooded the hallways, leaving a slick film of excrement surrounding the dome. Ecstatic fans later said it did not seem worth trying to go inside one of the bathrooms after the game, opting instead to find a dark corner in which they could void their bowels.

"Looks like a victory party to me!" said longtime Saints fan Julius Childress, who claimed he scaled the rafters to lead a "Go Saints!" cheer, and then passed the long night watching people having sex, both consensual and not, in the third-floor skyboxes. "When I got to the highest part of the doom, that's when I saw a group of happy drunk people chopping and tearing at two new holes in the dome's roof. One guy in an Aaron Brooks jersey screamed 'Go Saints,' just before falling his death."

Added Childress: "The Saints have definitely given this city its soul back."
Mayor Ray Nagin took the opportunity to congratulate the Saints football team, the citizens of New Orleans, and the many officials who oversaw the $185 million effort to restore the Superdoom in time for this Saturday's game.

"This is a symbol of our cultural pride and heritage," said Nagin, speaking from the newly dilapidated Superdoom with throngs of dirty, hungry, disease-ridden Saints fans, some holding babies, standing in line for Red Cross aid packages behind him. "With the Saints back here where they belong, things are finally starting to return to normal in New Orleans."

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Boondock Saints, and I'm Huey Freeman. My cousin is Riley. One of my uncle's is Ruckus.

I have been busy pulling 54+ hours a week at this undisclosed- until- now J.O. so forgive me if i've been remiss in my posts. I have aquired a position at a laptop help desk for a small computer company. It only can afford three letters. But what it lacks in looks it makes up for in overtime. I saw one of the laptops on the rail to the Game. If you must know, I had a most uneventful New Year having spent it regaling in the melody of the gunshots fired by me and my next door neighbor. HAPPY 2007,Zone 4 *insert excitement HERE* LET'S GET THIS PAPER! Speaking of overtime,one place it didnt exist was in the New Orleans's Superdoom tonight, for the Saints of New Orleans have triumphed over the Eagles of Philadelphia (Fila-delphia to all old school shoe- heads). Good Job,boys. You've become the first NFC advanced playoff game winner to have the lowest % of wins. Ever. Oh,well. A Win's a Win. GO SAINTS!!!!

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy Urly New Year Everybody

Both the Saints of New Orleans and the Falcons of Atlanta Lost today. I feel like I was watching the Same Game the way they played and lost. They were both tied at the 4th and both lost to the inferior teams. Panthers and Eagles indeed. At least the Saints ended up SECOND place in the NFC South playoffs this year 2006. Good run anyway, boys. Damn You,Delhomme! *In Captain Kirk Star Trek the Wrath of Khan voice*..."DELHOMMMMMEE!!!" Note: I am trying to make full use of this keyboard's year-end functionality hence the asteriskes, quotation marks, and unecessary exclamation marks.

Oh yeah and fuck that Playstation 3 Hype...I'd rather play Life.

*In the Simpsons' Dr. Nick voice* Happy Urly New Year Everybody!!!*

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Christmas Truce...Very Cool True Xmas Story

On Christmas Day, 1914, in the first year of World War I, German, British, and French soldiers disobeyed their superiors and fraternized with "the enemy" along two-thirds of the Western Front. German troops held Christmas trees up out of the trenches with signs, "Merry Christmas." "You no shoot, we no shoot." Thousands of troops streamed across a no-man's land strewn with rotting corpses. They sang Chrismas carols, exchanged photographs of loved ones back home, shared rations, played football, even roasted some pigs. Soldiers embraced men they had been trying to kill a few short hours before. They agreed to warn each other if the top brass forced them to fire their weapons, and to aim high.

A shudder ran through the high command on either side. Here was disaster in the making: soldiers declaring their brotherhood with each other and refusing to fight. Generals on both sides declared this spontaneous peacemaking to be treasonous and subject to court martial. By March, 1915 the fraternization movement had been eradicated and the killing machine put back in full operation. By the time of the armistice in 1918, fifteen million would be slaughtered.

Not many people have heard the story of the Christmas Truce. Military leaders have not gone out of their way to publicize it. On Christmas Day, 1988, a story in the Boston Globe mentioned that a local FM radio host played "Christmas in the Trenches," a ballad about the Christmas Truce, several times and was startled by the effect. The song became the most requested recording during the holidays in Boston on several FM stations. "Even more startling than the number of requests I get is the reaction to the ballad afterward by callers who hadn't heard it before," said the radiohost. "They telephone me deeply moved, sometimes in tears, asking, `What the hell did I just hear?'"

I think I know why the callers were in tears. The Christmas Truce story goes against most of what we have been taught about people. It gives us a glimpse of the world as we wish it could be and says, "This really happened once." It reminds us of those thoughts we keep hidden away, out of range of the TV and newspaper stories that tell us how trivial and mean human life is. It is like hearing that our deepest wishes really are true: the world really could be different.

Excerpted from David G. Stratman, We CAN Change the World: The Real Meaning of Everyday Life (New Democracy Books, 1991). Available for $3.00 from New Democracy Books, P.O. Box 427, Boston, MA 02130.

...Share this story if you want to. I dare ya. I JUST found out about this,found it to be true and think its so cool it defies comprehension...Oh yeah...GO SAINTS!!!
I didnt get to see this New York game as I was visiting with me mum at her satellite ( I'm working my day job Christmas day) but 30 to 7 at an away game is a good enough Christmakwanzukah gift for Zhu...yessireebob!!!

...Merry Christmas...Happy Hanukah...Happy Umoja for those that still celebrate Kwanzaa...and Happy December for all the Athiests...I'm American so dont expect me to remember ALL the friggin' religions and non-religions...heeheehee...peace ya'll...

Sunday, December 17, 2006

How? Chemo' Sobby...

The Blessed Saints of New Orleans got Scalped by the Redskins of Washington in the SuperDoom 16-10 ! Particularly distressing as they were on an unprecedented three game win tour. I guess the pit stop at home on the road to seasonal victory did not refresh their passion to win as well as hoped. Still smelling the 42-17 victory in Landry Stadium it is only fitting that they lose at home thanks to Ladell Betts and his tribe of wampum smokums. At least we got the NFC South Division on lock,like thats anything to brag about. I deem the loss karma for re-electing William Jefferson and not getting the levees rebuilt yet. Oh Well. Tough break boys. There's always New York.

In unrelated news. I am rapidly losing blood from several wounds I incurred blessed sunday while bathing my animals for the first time. Must. Find. Gauze.

Guerrilla Laundry. Fin'. So Fresh So Clean.

Laundry Day is Complete! Well at least as far as I am concerned. I have enough scanties and socks to last me through the week so Sunday may now proceed. It's not that I dont trust my neighbors or I'm some horrible recluse its just that in the year I've lived here I've had the police show up at my door mistakenly twice, one babymomma three doors down had her television and sofa thrown out her second floor apartment down to the parking lot by one of her babydaddy's. Not to mention the numerous drunken fights and shouting matches that occur around the holiday season or really any given weekend or weekday. Oh,and did I mention that I cannot get pizza delivered to my satellite as its on a high crime location list circulated by all the delivery restaurants in the area. And I really like delivery service.

There's no real gunplay here but this is the kind of satellite you see on the news when they talk about an apartment fire or a argument turned fatal type of thing. I was hornswaggled into renting this place in a hurry by Chantal the leasing agent who had a booth at the Red Cross evac center last year at the Georgia Dome. It's location is discreet and off of famous Cascade Road near the Beautiful soul food restaurant. Most familiar with urban living would refer to it as "the Cut". Those in surrounding areas refer to it as Zone 4. To me,at least up until March 2007,it is my home away from home in which to rebuild my displaced life. It is my Satellite, hovering over Atlanta, Georgia.

The 19 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Death

#7 is Classic...

1. After being decapitated, the average person remains conscious for an additional 15-20 seconds. Talk about a way to go.

2. Mourning your dear departed cat? You could shave your eyebrows like the ancient Egyptians used to. Then again, maybe a trip to the pet cemetery would be easier.

3. May want to rethink what you bury your loved ones in. An old wives’ tale claims that if a woman is buried wearing the color black, she’ll come back to haunt the family.

4. Speaking of preventing hauntings, yet another old wives tale led to the institution of burial wreaths. It was believed that the wreath would encircle the spirit of the dead person, thereby preventing them from returning from the grave.

5. In 1931, Henry Ford decided to preserve his friend, Thomas Edison’s last dying breath. He kept it in a bottle. Hope he put a label on that one.

6. One of the main reasons cowboys carried pistols in the 1800’s was to avoid being dragged to death by their horse. You think they could have just gotten bigger stirrups.

7. The last words spoken by Union General John Sedgewick were, “They (the Confederate soldiers) couldn’t hit an elephant from this dis…”

8. So much for the curse of good ole King Tut. Despite reports that all twenty-two people who were present at the exhumation kicked the bucket, twenty-one were still kicking ten years later.

9. If someone plans to jump off Mount Everest to commit suicide, you’ll need a lot of patience. It takes the average person 2.5 minutes to hit bottom. And we don’t want to know who timed it.

10. Here’s a job I definitely wouldn’t want to have. When Pyrenees beekeepers die, someone has to go around and splash every single one of their bees with black ink.

11. John Bowman, a tanner from Vermont believed that after his death he would be reincarnated with his pre-deceased wife and children. So, he ordered his house staff to have dinner on the table every night, just in case. They finally stopped in 1950 when the money finally dried up.

12. Think your décor is bad? Oscar Wilde’s last words were, "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go" He fought the wallpaper and the wallpaper won.

13. An old superstition stated that if the doors in the house were locked, the soul of a dying person couldn’t get out.

14. Yet another superstition warns against pointing at a funeral procession, with the dire warning that you’ll die within a month. More proof for that whole three fingers pointing back at you thing.

15. Might want to read the labels a little more carefully. Nearly 2,500 lefties are killed every year using products meant for righties. Who knew? Now, just back away from those right-handed scissors.

16. A pet-parrot caused a ruckus at President Andrew Jackson’s funeral. His crime? Swearing during the ceremony. Guess he should have given Polly just one more cracker.

17. That ballpoint pen? The one you’re chewing on? Might want to put it down. 100 people are killed every year by choking on a ballpoint pen. Which proves the old quote about the pen being mightier than the sword. At least some of the time.

18. Apparently, they really are virtually destructible. A cockroach can reportedly live up to 9 days without it’s head. The only reason they finally kick over? Starvation.

19. And you thought sex appeal was the first to go. Allegedly, it’s actually your sight that goes first when you die. It’s your hearing that’s the last to go…. What was that?

Guerrilla Laundry Pt.2

Apartment house rules: "one man's floor is another man's ceiling."- Bob Dylan.

Okay so the Laundry has made it through the washing phase with no explosions. I went downstairs and their were only 5 children out and 2 crackheads. I recognized the children, they belong to the couple living directly downstairs from me. I know the husband enjoys the football so he must be making arrangements to get them out the house. Their mom sat outside watching them,smoking a Newport. They have been here longer than me and out of all I see here I trust them the most. Greetings are exchanged... "No,my job is not hiring,but I'll keep an ear out..." and wet scanties are placed in the one good dryer. In 45 minutes I wish Laundry Day to be over. The Children appear to be awakening...they like to congregate around the laundry room when they are sent outside...I hope I dont have to trip over a toddler.

Coming Soon...Guerrilla Laundry Part. 3

Guerrilla Laundry Pt. 1

So today is Laundry Day once again. Some of you may ask why is Zhu devoting a second post to laundry. It's a simple non-threatening abolution designed to get you ready for the weeks ahead. Yes it is,but when your housing situation is,ah,lets just say less than perfect, laundry takes on an ugly, survivalist ,tone. I have,or was promised laundry facilities by my rental agent when I was negotiating the lease for my satellite location. Since there are a total of approx. 60 units in my complex and about 20 tenants who have,not including me,at LEAST 5 children between them I expected problems with doing laundry. Knowing that I have been doing laundry down the street at the Laundro/Cleaners.

Today,however,my little '88 Honda hoo-doo has failed me and requires a replaced head gasket so I have been on MARTA all week. Sucks yeah but I have been Gypsy for so long public transpo' really doesnt bother me. I'll let you slaves to the gas pump fret on the inconsistency of the bus,to me its just an hour earlier I have to leave to get where I have to go. Anyway, the Saints of New Orleans, fresh from a 42-17 Win against the Cowboys of Dallas will have there Home Tournament against the Redskins (no relation) of Washington today beginning at 1pm EST and I wish to stay close to home so I will do the Laundry here. This will possibly cause interaction with my neighbors,who only know me as the guy who leaves out of apartment 19 and returns to apartment 19,stopping only to retrieve mail and occasionally hand the often-absentee rental agent the money order for the "rent". I have nothing against children, I was a child once,that helps me to relate to their plight. My concern is their Mischief. I entered the laundry room and found out of the 4 washers,only One looked serviceable,and thats the one I put my socks,undershirts,and scanties,Four quarters and a cup of Liquid Tide later and it appears to be working. I shall now go downstairs to see if it has finished. Yes,this IS as dangerous as I am making it out to be...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

We Fucking Won!!??!!!

We Won???!!?? We Fucking Won!!!?? Holy Shit I wasnt expecting this in a million parsecs!!!There is much to rejoice about in Southern NFL sports entertainment tonight, in this victory, the Saints of New Orleans have just TRIUMPHED over the Cowboys of Dallas, Texas in a winning score of 42-17...In an away game at that!!! It must suck to be a Dallas fan now but oh,well,sporto,at least you tried!!! Now how are the Redskins(no relation) of Washington gonna fare into this temporal anomaly ...? We can only wait and see...GO SAINTS!!!


In the 4th. GO SAINTS!!!!

What if Gotham had no Batman?

I hate to say "I told you so..." But ." I told you so". Incumbent 2nd Congressional District Rep. William"Dollar Bill" Jefferson D-La. has won his seat again,defeating challenger Karen Carter 57-43 in last nights election,proving once again the genius of the New Orleans voter. For those who dont know. Dollar Bill has been a political animal for many a year,I remember being a wee lad growing up in the 7th ward when Dollar Bill won his first seat and began his rise to power in 'dee bayou. I can actually credit my distrust of politicians' from watching old Willie from the sidelines wheel and deal. The man speaks with the eloquence of a jackal charming a gazelle and has the moral flexibility of wheatstraw on a breezy afternoon. To put it simply,I dont think he has my districts best interests in mind. Dollar Bill is also under indictment in a federal corruption probe involving,among other things having $90,000 in marked federal coin in his home's freezer from a bribe in an a tech developement contract he favored in Africa. Power to the People,Bill? Then there's the little thingy about being stripped of his seat on the House Ways and Means Committee by fiery new Majority House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) who says the new Blue House wont tolerate any mucky-mucks like Dollar Bill and his ilk.

But Alas, the People have Spoken, and have said they would rather have a known icky-poo like William Jefferson to represent the fine, upstanding, citizenry of New Orleans than outspoken noob Karen Carter,who sparked a fire under eternal old coot Sheriff Harry Lee with her comments on the Jefferson Parish Sheriffs Office (JPSO) involvement,or lack therof,in helping New Orleans residents escape the Great Wet via the CCC (Crecent City Connection/Miss. River Bridge for all you traditionalists).

So Lee goes out and endorses Jefferson to spite Carter and her remarks and the Honourable C. Ray(z) Nagin endorses him to repay Jefferson for backing him in his own closely watched May re-election this year,and the mindless sheeple of New Orleans goes right along with it. Laissez-faire,Cher. Paybacks and Spite. Yep, thats what got Dollar Bill re-elected. Like I said, he's a political animal. But does that make us his Prey?

Well not me. Not anymore. I have found a new home for the time being in the Great City of Atlanta,where all I have to worry about is the I-285 traffic (not fun) ,the Atlanta Falcons' passing game and undercover policemen doing home invasions on 90 year old grandmothers in botched drug raids. The police chief in Atlanta is none other than Richard "No Comment" Pennington formerly of New Orleans crimefighting fame and the Falcons' coach is a guy named Jim Mora who has never coached the Saints (but his dad did). Not to mention good old ex- Saints placekicker Morten Anderson will more than likely finish his career as an Atlanta Falcon... I dont like to dwell on that much as it disturbs me when I do.

Paybacks and Spite,People. That's what makes this country great. Keeps the wheels of democracy greased and what a fine oiled machine it is. I shall look forward to watching the Decline and Fall of my City following the first Flushing by the Great Wet that was Katrina De'shae Boucree'-Gavion-Charbonnet. I didnt vote in the 2nd district election only because I believe that having been in Atlanta for one year now and will be paying Georgia State tax this upcoming tax season I can only be a spectator slash critical observer of the City's reconstruction. Dollar Bill Jefferson,Mayor C. Ray(z) Nagin, Police Chief Warren Lie-ly and Governor Kathleen Blank-Ho and the rest of their ilk will have my City a Rotted Carcass on the Savannah that is America after they have picked off all the meat for their own private coffers and will leave her Bones to bleach in the warmth of the Sun. And THAT is Nat'rally N'Awlins ,ya'll.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Science of Athletics

The laws of Quantum Physics versus NFL Athletics took a slight shift to the left as the Saints of New Orleans DEFEATED the Falcons of Atlanta 31-13 in the Georgia Dome about 5 minutes ago. The Falcons suffered 4 dropped catches the worst in the 3rd quarter by Dudley McHandsOnePlaceEyesAnother which pretty much cemented the Saints win. The 4th quarter TD was just the powdered sugar on the beignet. At least I'm pretty sure it was in the 4th, I've been busy with a paint roller and 4 cans of Black and Gold paint. Now where's my car keys? Ah they are. Well a promise is a promise,I'm off to the Georgia Dome.
The Saints stand at number 3 in the NFC South with Chicago and some other team as #'s 1 and 2 BTW...hope its's not chilly out tonight. GO SAINTS!!!!

1988 Honda Civic's Rule!!!

I'm going to tell you what a good feeling is,my friends. I was returning from picking up my clothes from the laundromat and realized I needed gas. I'm damn near on "E" so I pull into the Chevron advertising Unleaded for $2.20 or something like that. Anyway I decide to go for the fill-up for the week ahead so I give the attendant a 20 and tell him I want 15 on pump 6 and this grape 10-k. I begin my fill-up and the pump stops at $12.27. I TOPPED OFF AT TWELVE DOLLARS AND TWENTY- SEVEN CENTS!!! I'm good for the whole week!!!* In Sean Puffy Combs voice** Take That Big Oil!!! Take That United Arab Emirates!!! Take That! Take That!
It's a Very Good Feeling these days to walk back into the fuel depot and the attendant has to give you back your $6.04 return for your fill-up. People began cheering in the store!!!The fat guy at the lotto counter hoisted me on his shoulders as the hoodrats all broke away from their dopeboy's and flashed their tattooed headlights at me! Okay not really...but its still a good feeling anyway. So keep your fancy-schmancy gas guzzlers,with your "automatic windows" and your tv screens in the headrests. I'll take my little hoo-doo over all that bling right now anytime!!! 1988 canary-yellow Honda Civic 4-door...Pimp MY Ride? Not.

The Game

Go Saints!!!!
We shall lose magnificently in the home of the Dirty Bird Falcons this lovely Sunday afternoon. I begin this post knowing that we have the first scoring touchdown but its only the first one its the last that matters. The New Orleans Saints have a really bad habit of starting off strong and then gradually whittling themselves down to mediocrity. But I shall spectate this sport nonetheless as the Satellite has ample supply of pale ale and pizza to stomach the loss. I'm also in the middle of a laundry drying cycle,which distracts me as I have to drive through the throngs of wild babymomma kids running rampant in my apt's parking lot as mommy wont let them back in the house while babydaddy is stopping in to use the TV to host his football party. C'est La Vie',life in the USA. Besides,the Saints cant possibly win in Atlanta,lame duck Vick or not. For if they won that would entail me driving downtown to the Georgia Dome after painting myself Black and Gold, and doing the Running Man naked in the parking lot until stadium security comes to haul me off. Now try to get THAT image out of your fragile little mind anytime soon,sunshine. Heh. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeecccceeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!